Being in a relationship requires a complete understanding between partners. Honesty is essential no matter how hurting it would be to avoid deep wounds of betrayal. And to forgive needs a great deal of acceptance of who your partner will be through the years of the committed relationship.
The Start Of Insecurity
Learning the ability to grow together and fulfilling each other’s needs can help eliminate the feeling of emptiness and isolation. But when your partner does not anymore fill this void of security, and it does not make you feel that safe anymore, it is time to accept the fact that perhaps you have already lost the love you once had.
Many married women, including myself, have this doubt that their husbands had already forgotten why they had loved them in the first place and are starting to entertain thoughts of cheating. That doubt is what we, women, call as instinct, intuition, or gut feeling. Our gut feeling often leads the path to our depression, but will eventually be the source of our strength to be able to move on from ruined relationships.
It seemed to me that everything I attempted to do to save our dying relationship had always been taken for granted. The stress of my daily activities, bearing our unborn child while working eight-hour shifts without the support from my once-loving husband had gotten inside me, and it tires me not only physically but mentally.
Every day after work, I tried to cook for my husband. But since the nature of my husband’s job starts from 6 pm to 2 am, we barely had our couple time together. And when I would begin to have a conversation with him about the baby, he did not seem interested or excited about the pregnancy. We always ended up fighting; and rather than fixing the problem, we would often sleep it off.
Depression Starts To Ruin Me
It has been three months since our baby Jonathan was born. I made myself believe that Jonathan could bring back the heat in our married life, but it hasn’t changed a thing. It even got worst. My husband started drinking once he got home, and would also stock up booze and would make such excuses like he needed it to be able to sleep. He was always too tired to take care of Jonathan. I decided to let my mom take care of Jonathan for a while in the hope of fixing our marriage. And as our situation continued to be that way, I started smoking and drinking myself in order to cope up with the stress of work and absence of affection from my husband. And despite all this, he did not seem to care.
I started becoming ineffective in my work that my boss became worried, and my mom also noticed my getting hooked on drinking and smoking. She urged me to undergo treatment and helped me seek assistance from a psychiatrist. I knew deep inside that I had a mental breakdown and anxiety attacks, and I was starting to get a little depressed, so I decided to follow every bit of advice from my boss and my mother.
After thorough testing, my psychiatrist confirmed that it was the depression that was starting to affect my competency at work and my smoking and alcohol addiction.
Knowing What To Focus On Helped Me Recover
My therapist guided me to put my focus on being productive again to be able to provide for Jonathan and be able to take care of him. Focusing on my responsibilities and Jonathan helped me get through eliminating what caused my so-called suffering. I needed to get back to my usual self for Jonathan’s sake.
One morning I gathered all my courage and decided to talk to my husband about getting a divorce. I knew that he had seen this coming. I told him I would forego going to court if he would accept the deal that I had to offer for a reasonable settlement of divorce. It took him only days to think about it, and though he believed that what I was asking for was not fair, he had no choice, because this was what he wanted all along.
During the process, it turned out that my instinct was right – he was having an affair. He was troubled by it and he had wanted a separation even before I got pregnant, but he just did not know how to tell me. So no matter what I did to win him back, he had made his decision and was just waiting for me to give up.
The past does not mean that much anymore to me. I am now better off without him, and I just want to concentrate on taking care of Jonathan and myself. So for anyone out there who is in the same situation as I was, you might as well try to get out of the relationship before it affects your child and you, especially your health.
I was just glad that my health insurance covered most of my expenses the time I had my treatment. I may have failed in deciding whom to trust and marry, but it was a wise decision to invest in health insurance which covered my psychiatric care.
Here are some statements from therapists about depression:
- Mullen, PsyD, LMFT: People who have depression are actually quite resilient.
- Dr. Jesse D. Matthews, PsyD: Open communication is the key to a healthy and successful relationship.
- Deborah Serani, PsyD: The best thing you can do for someone with depression is to be there.